I was born on the 25th of the eight-month, I’m the only child of my parents. Writing this would be the first time of me expressing my self to the extreme. I grew up all alone with my parents. My parents were the busy type, my dad was never at home, same with my mum, but she still made out time for me.
In school, I wasn’t a fast learner l, my teachers would beat me for not learning fast. During weekends and holidays, my mum would keep me at her friend’s place and I would impose my self on and throw myself at other kids. At age seven, this is always a means for me to have company. At times my parents would allow me to stay over at my childhood friend’s place, during the holidays she would take me to my uncle’s place.
At age 12 I got singled out as the weird one for the first time. It’s not like people didn’t talk to me, it’s just that they didn’t let me in, and some times I feel I didn’t fit in. I wasn’t friends with anyone, even if someone did come close, it was always one-sided. They were able to share and I wasn’t and that was about it. I often felt like I was alone like I didn’t matter like I wasn’t important… I was very lonely because I felt left out all the time and I have no one to talk to about my feelings.
When I got to senior secondary school, I had friends which I include in most things but they never include me in anything, this made me feel so left out. Same as when I finished secondary school, I had loads of friends but none was my close friend. I got through a large portion of my life like that. Unsurprisingly. I also went through depression for the first time during these years.
After secondary school, I attended a jamb lesson, I became exposed to a whole lot of things and I understand that what I had been going through were depression and social isolation. I didn’t like the crowd, then I would leave the crowd to a quiet place just to stay alone. My phone became my best friend, music, and earpiece, my companion.
My friends would always ask why I’m always alone. I got tired of the questions, so I had to put my self out there, I didn’t really know how to do it. The only thing I could do was to type of goggle to see if I can get an answer. I would type things like this…( how to make friends, how to be happy and other kinds of stuff).
A woman on Instagram with the name @officialebonylips, most people might know her. She acts all weird but I must say she really changed my mindset. I told her how it has been for me for the past years. We video call, it was like a four to five hours conversation, after telling her all, I felt incredibly light after. That day she told me something that is most relevant here, she said, “ you are there for people, you listen to them. You smile and joke around, why then do you think anyone will turn away if you opened up?”.
To be honest, I don’t know the answer even now, but I can speculate. It’s not like the people around me, my family and friends are not there for me, but for some reason, I assume they are not, for some reasons, I think I feel like my burden is too personal to let anyone help.
The truth of the matter is that all these are B.S. There is actually nothing wrong with reaching out to someone and taking their help when you need it. Sometimes I had bad times, I stay alone, I know there are a lot of people in my life who care about me, but I feel like there isn’t anyone sometimes. Those moments I just close my eyes and take a deep breath and tell that annoying voice to shut up.
You are not alone, you are amazing and lovable, so give yourself the consent to be loved by those around you, loving your self is hard but important and when you do, you’ll realize how much that loneliness was you and not your surrounding.
About the writer:
Ekekwe Blessing is a History and International Relations student at the University of Abia State, Nigeria.